According to Positive Psychology* “self-sabotage occurs when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally or deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values.”
It can happen consciously and unconsciously.
Destroy sounds like a strong word, but you have to admit, it hits home.
Can you think of a time you’ve self-sabotaged?
I can think of plenty throughout my life.
Career; I’ve talked myself out of applying for jobs. The negative voice in my head told me I didn’t have the experience (even though I had more than enough) or I wouldn’t get it so, what’s the point in applying?
Personally; I’ve self-sabotaged my health & wellness throughout my twenty’s binge drinking & partying hard because I had a fear of missing out / I wanted to fit in…
…sound familiar?
When I started my own business(es), I knew had to look straight in the eyes of self-sabotage and deal with it if I wanted to succeed.
But to do this, it takes a certain level of self-awareness to recognise when it rears its sneaky head.
Fortunately, I found an NLP & Time Line Therapy Wellness Coach, who held the mirror up so I could see when and why it was happening.
Over time I developed my self-awareness so I could stop it in its tracks.
As a recovering people pleaser I was super proud of it!
You see, we (people pleasers) have an innate ability to put other people’s needs & desires first.
And when we do this, there becomes little time for doing the thing that brings us joy.
And I speak from experience.
What brings you joy?
I love Reiki.
It’s one of the things that brings joy to my life.
It brings a balance emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically that I never thought possible.
Not only that, but it also supports my mental health and helps reduce overthinking, worrying, anxiety and frustration.
It nourishes my soul and radiates throughout my family & home.
So I must be able to practice; daily if possible.
But, rewind three years ago and practicing daily seemed impossible…
Self-Sabotage Stories
One thing about self-sabotage is that it’s sneaky.
It’s sneaky because it tells us stories that we believe are protecting us but really they’re stalling our development.
Let’s look at the Career example I gave above.
Consciously I didn’t want to fail at the interview. So, unconsciously I told myself a story that I didn’t have enough experience (even though I did), so what was the point in applying?
Crazy hey!
And self-sabotage didn’t stop there.
At the beginning of my Reiki training, I told myself all sorts of stories that were preventing my development.
I had to take a long hard look in my mirror to find out what was behind the stories, and then overcome them.
Jody’s Self-Sabotage Stories
Number 1
One of my self-sabotage techniques was telling myself I couldn’t practice Reiki because my husband and children were in the house.
Number 2
I felt guilty for spending thirty minutes, on my own (the voice in my head said, “You’re meditating & doing nothing“)
Number 3
I thought I should be doing something more productive like cleaning the house…
Number 4
I was worried that one of my children would come in and laugh, that they wouldn’t take it seriously and as a result, I’d be put off from doing it (my inner child’s reaction)
—-
So, I’d sneak off upstairs without telling anyone what I was doing.
I thought they would realise what I was doing (because everyone’s a mind reader, right?!) or they wouldn’t ask so I could just get on with it, undisturbed.
Needless to say, that didn’t happen.
Overcoming self-sabotage stories.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
As soon as you hear the whispers of self-sabotage; you need to nip it in the bud.
And the best way to do this, is to communicate with it.
Yep, talk to it, talk to You.
Ask yourself why you’re self-sabotaging.
Look in the mirror and say;
“Hey Jody, what’s your problem? You really want this “insert what it is you want” so why are you self-sabotaging? What’s really going on? What are you afraid of?”
I find it easier to write down my thoughts & feeling, so I’ll have this conversation on paper with myself and watch the words pour out. Then read back through them.
Do what works for you.
If you need to, talk it through with someone or get yourself a coach like I did.
When I realised what was happening, I knew I needed to speak to my family and set some boundaries.
Communicating boundaries
I spoke to my family and told them how important practice was to me.
I explained the positive impact it had on my overall wellness.
I told them of my intentions to work through the Reiki levels.
I explained my goal was to create a business once I became fully trained in Reiki.
I said I wanted to become a Reiki Teacher and teach others.
And that to do all of this, I needed and wanted to practice as often as I could.
My words were well received, and I began to tell them when I was going to practice Reiki instead of sneaking off upstairs.
I politely asked the children not to disturb me (at the start there was the occasional little knock on the door asking if they could have something to eat or tell me something, but that’s few & far between now)
It felt good to state my needs and set boundaries.
As a result, my practice was a lot more relaxed and enjoyable.
A breakthrough.
There comes a time when things fall into place.
For me, it was a mutual understanding and respect from my children for my joy…
One element of Reiki practice is chanting.
Within the Reiki Master Teacher training, there’s a mantra called the Great Bright Light.
It’s very hypnotic for the chantee and those listening.
One morning when the children were asleep (or so I thought) I began chanting the mantra.
I chanted for at least ten minutes.
As soon as I stopped chanting, I heard an extremely sincere voice from my son’s room, he said…
“Mum, that was really relaxing, how do you remember all the words?”
I explained it was also relaxing for me, and that I read the words from a piece of paper. Because if you read the words as you chant, it helps you maintain focus.
The breakthrough; they didn’t laugh or mock me.
I was no longer embarrassed of chanting or practicing Reiki with my family at home.
Overcome self-sabotage to do the thing that brings you joy.
A little re-cap…
Get clear on why it’s your joy;
-How does it make you feel?
-Why is it important to YOU, that you do it?
-When will you be in your joy?
-For how long?
This will help when you’re communicating your needs.
Recognise your self-sabotage stories.
-Self-awareness
-Be curious about your own behaviour
Look in a mirror and find out where the stories are coming from, or;
-Write
-Talk to someone or a coach
Get support on how to overcome them.
-You may know how to do this, or;
-Speak to a coach
-Sometimes it runs deeper, so you may want to speak to a professionally trained therapist
Communicate your needs & set boundaries.
-It can be difficult to do this, but once you start you won’t be able to start!
-Seek the help/support of a professional coach or therapist.
Let’s smash self-sabotage once and for all so we can realise our full potential, personal goals and absolute joy.
Until next time,
Jody x
If you think Reiki might be your joy too, why not join my Reiki training that begins in October 2023?
There’s an option to learn online or in person in Middlewich. To find out more check out this page or email info@spiritualwellness.uk
*Article from Positive Psychology
